How can I breathe
by ex.staci
Summary: Dimitri's been turned into one of them. How is she meant to breathe now that he's gone?


**DISCLAIMER: I cannot claim originality of such astounding characters, they're all Mead's**

**_In Memory of Michael Joseph Jackson  
(1958 - 2009)_**

_Without you, how can pop lovers breathe?_

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I stood there helpless and without reason to go on.

The tears had ceased, all that was left was the echo of each heartbeat and the thumping of aching lungs; evidence that despite the pain my existence still seemed intact.

The gaping hole in my chest threatened to expand and devour me whole.

I've now realised that what he had valued the most was what I'd also valued most. I cannot bring my mind to figure out whether he got the better side of the circumstances. Is it better to have lost your soul or to have lost the soul of your soul mate?

Technically, the two don't seem to differ. I've heard it said that soul mates were two parts of the whole. Two people meant to be with each other regardless of the dimensions, time or being. To experience the wonders of life together, to complete what the other cannot obtain on their own.

If this was the truth, it would also be true that Dimitri's loss was also mine. In fact it was more my loss than his.

If I was to rid this world of his body what difference will it make? I would still be separated from the being that made me whole. The reason I had been able to breathe and survive through the last couple of months. Nothing will be the same again.

My physical being remained whole while my soul was suffering; impaired by the loss of its other half, grieving what had once been.

I sucked in a sobbing breath after realising that my body was slowly claiming its own inability to continue. My lungs ached more as time continued to flow by.

How do I breathe? Where's reason? Where's life?

Dimitri, Dimitri. You had always told me of the dangers we faced together. How impossible it was for us to just be. Yet now you've been proven wrong.

This is the danger of such love and affection. This is what occurs when such a bond evolves between two people. There was nothing that laws or other people could do to cause such great pain. Age didn't matter; neither does social status.

It's the difference between dependence and independence. I became dependant on you. I surrendered more than my heart and that's when matters got out of hand.

My life is my own no longer and it hasn't been in a long time. You have taken away more than my heart or my love. Gone is the reason to breathe, gone is the hope we had once harboured for each other. We willingly surrendered and this is what we are now faced with.

Some may say it is the biggest mistake one can make. I beg to differ.

I would fight for what we had, Dimitri. I will fight for you, for me, for us.

It may shorten the time I have left to breathe but none of it matters, if you don't breathe beside me.

With such determination I stood. Hoping that my bravado would help me survive the feat I was to achieve.

I swallowed a deep breath in attempt to calm my dwindling state and then proceeded to tidy myself up as I thought of what I needed to accomplish before leaving the academy.

I turned to see a pair of sullen and red rimmed eyes gazing despondently back at me. The ruffled hair and bags under the image's eyes betrayed her lack of sleep. She swallowed apprehensively and I touched the base of my left eye to see whether this reflection was truly mine. She mirrored my expression as her jaw dropped and her puffy eyes widened a bit.

I shouldn't have been surprised after remaining isolated from the rest of the academy for the last three days without much food or sleep; I was bound to have looked unfamiliar. The time on my digital alarm clock read 6:30pm; there were still another good couple of hours to go before I was required for the first day back at class.

I had a shower and shaved occasionally sniffling a several times when my mind would wander to what I would've been doing had the battle not taken place.

My tears came to an abrupt halt. I couldn't accomplish the task of destroying Dimitri's strigoi body while mourning him. I would melt simply at the sight of his well moulded body and the dark brown hair; If I was given one chance to see him in this condition, whether it be as a strigoi or dhampir, I would be at his mercy.

I swallowed and took more breaths to compose myself. Greed slowly took control of my being. A sardonic smile arranged itself on my features as I pictured my mother's reaction at what I contemplated doing.

This time _Dimitri_ was going to come first.

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_This fic's been hanging out in my usb drive for far too long.  
My gratitude goes out to **Kaiai** for taking the time to beta this fic._


End file.
